Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Tin Man Bio's

Nate Breeden - Sure glove, but no clubs. This fierce competitor looks to be a threat to the opposition on the diamond and an even great threat to teammates and spectators on the golf course. Like many of our Tin Men, Nate enters this competition with absolutely zero experience on the golf course. However, this college professor has promised to turn his weakness into his greatest strength, stating that, "through intense study of the greats - Tiger Woods, Jack Nicholson, and famous drink mogul, Arnold Palmer - I'll be ready to smack you bitches around the course, and then enjoy a delicious iced tea/lemonade beverage. Sixty-percent tea; forty percent kick-ass." Nate is quick, sneaky, and of course, vicious. One would be wise not to turn their back on this crafty lad.

Theme Song: “Rock N Roll Band” by Boston

Top Sport: Softball

Bottom Sport: Golf

Ken Burns – Sampson without his locks. He-Man without his Grayskull (“By the power of Grayskull!”). And Burns without his ‘stache. This warrior might as well be playing naked without his patented flavor-savor. Mouth dressings aside, Burns promises to punish people with his bat and in the paint. An esteemed steering committee member, Ken Burns, had this to say, “Ken feel good about Tin Man. I rank sport as Softball (1), Basketball (Yes), Beach Volleyball (%), Golf (Q), and Bowling (Purple).” Clearly, we all must be prepared to battle Burns’ cunning and guile.

Theme Song: “Don’t Stop Believin’’” by Journey

Top Sport: Softball

Bottom Sport: Golf

Edward Charles Chevalley de Rivaz – This British prince, both in temper and lineage, is the first international Tin Man competitor. Coming from a royal line, which saw to the oppression and subjugation of generations of peasants, Ed will be forced to put down his cricket bat and polo stick for our crude aluminum swingin’ sticks and leather balls. Voracious inbreeding aside, Ed looks to be a dark horse in this competition and spoke to us about his foray into American sport, “’Ello Gov-na!” (Translated as “Hello Governor.”) This insight into the heart of the American spirit proves just how tough Ed will be at this competition.

Theme Song: “Rule Britannia” by London Festival Orchestra & Chorus

Top Sport: Beach Volleyball

Bottom Sport: Golf

Nate H – This grand man of humble beginnings brings with him a quiet spirit and a ferocious Karate chop. Nate, left on a doorstep of a Buddhist monastery at the age of seventeen, was taught to become a man by two kindly monks. His monkish upbringing will lend itself to a balanced cerebral game. Since committing to this Tin Man over a year ago, Nate hasn’t spoken. No literally, he has taken a vow of silence from the world. His closest friends, his monk fathers, and his illegitimate children, haven’t heard a peep from him. When asked to comment, nothing. So while you may not hear much bark from him on Saturday, there will be plenty of bite.

Theme Song: “What is Love” by Haddaway

Top Sport: Basketball

Bottom Sport: Bowling

Drew Hoff – A former Tin Man champ, Drew is a savvy veteran of the Tin Man Pentathlon and brings the experience of 7 competitions to the table. In addition to his storied participation in Tin Man events, Drew holds within him a monster, a special bowling persona, that if unleashed could strike the fear of God into the hearts of men, women, children, and dogs everywhere. “J.B. Riggins,” as this persona is known, is a chain-smoking, prostitute-soliciting, foul-mouthed lane rat. Riggins once punched a bowling alley attendant just for speaking ill of his favorite movie, “Cool Runnings.” When asked about the possible appearance of Mr. Riggins, Drew replied through a spokesperson, who stated, “Drew has no knowledge of J.B. Riggins, his actions, or the current restraining orders filed against him in California, Washington, and Venezuela.” While we can not be promised (or for that matter threatened) with an appearance of this alter ego, Drew has ranked bowling as his number 1 sport, a sign that there is plenty of fight left in this vet.

Theme Song: “One Blood” by The Game

Top Sport: Bowling

Bottom Sport: Basketball

Kyle Isaacson – He speaks softly… but carries a big stick. This Seattleite, then Californian, then Seattleite, then Californian, has scoured the West Coast searching for the true meaning of Christmas… I mean competition. His searches have finally brought him to the Tin Man Pentathlon. Kyle wears his travels on his countenance and his mission on his forearm. This mission comes in the form of a tattoo, scrawled in a lost language. Legend has it that it translates as, “Dominance.” When asked about these cryptic markings, Kyle, who is also known as “The Illustrated Man” in some circles, replied, “Oh. No, this is just Greek. There are literally thousands upon thousands of people that can translate this. And it means, ‘Grace.’” Oh. Well, then. Consider me shamed. This Tin Man season, Kyle looks to shame everyone even worse. He is a crouching tiger… beware the hidden dragon.

Theme Song: “The Red Death” by Thrice

Top Sport: Softball

Bottom Sport: Golf

Matt Jackson – Matt Jackson is a large man. Seriously. He is what happens when a bear mates with a gorilla. In a lab experiment gone horribly wrong Matt was created… and he has been making things right ever since. A former Burroughs High School football standout, he struck fear into the hearts of his competitors with his large frame yet shockingly silky smooth hands. Beware Matt down low on the b-ball court or on the end of a volley… either way, you will end up with a mouth full of displeasure.

Theme Song: “Ho” by Ludacris

Top Sport: Beach Volleyball

Bottom Sport: Golf

Forrest Oswald – The odds-on-favorite to win this year’s Tin Man, Forrest has recently been spotted training by lifting 12-ton buses and subsisting on a diet of egg whites, steamed cabbage, wine coolers, and licorice. The ever-humble Forrest Oswald refused to speak on his own behalf, but his most vocal and disturbing fan, Robby Mooring, had this to say, I love Forrest Oswald. And tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him. He has the heart of a giant, and that rare form of courage that allows him to kid himself and his opponents, which would be you bitches. He has a mental attitude that makes me proud to have a friend who spells out the word 'courage,' 24 hours a day, every day of his life. Now you honor me by giving me this award. But I say to you here now Forrest Oswald is the man who deserves the George S. Halas award. It is mine tonight... and Brian Piccolo's tomorrow.”

Theme Song: “Obama is Here” by Ludacris

Top Sport: Basketball

Bottom Sport: Bowling

Jay Pickard – Tenacious. Noah Webster’s famous work defines the word as: “Holding or adhering to any opinion, purpose, or design, with obstinacy; a pertinacious beggar.” No competitor in the field lives up to the definition of tenacious more than Mr. Pickard, who upon reading the definition of this word, promptly tracked down the direct descendant to the Webster fortune, rang his doorbell, and kicked his ass. When Jay isn’t hunting down, and then beating down Dictionary-fortune heirs, he splits his time studying law and training for regional Tin Man competitions. Asked about his chances in this year’s competition, Jay issued us a harshly worded Cease and Desist along with a subpoena to appear on the hard-court… to get dominated. Consider us all warned.

Theme Song: “Flash” by Queen

Top Sport: Golf

Bottom Sport: Basketball

Tim Ronca – Tim trained for the Tin Man by swimming upstream with the salmon in Alaska. This silver-tongued warrior’s amphibian training was spawned (ironically the purpose of the salmon’s upstream swimming) through an irrational hatred of land creatures. When asked to justify his distain for mammalian creatures, Tim’s only response was a swift kick to this interviewer’s seeds. If his mighty fish kick is any indication, he'll be a force to be reckoned with come Saturday. (Editors note: Sorry, Tim. This is by far the most random bio.)

Theme Song: Magnum P.I. Theme Song

Top Sport: Softball

Bottom Sport: Golf

Bryan Schackmann – One of two Tin Man Champions in this event (Drew Hoff being the other), Bryan is the current and, God willing, not the future champ of the Tin Man. Schackmann credits his past success to a myriad of unorthodox training activities. The reining champ was hesitant to share his specific secrets, and what we did get from him was veiled in ambiguity and frightening innuendo. “Stamina exercises are the most important for this type of event. Chastity, my golden retriever, was reaaaallllly helpful with those.” Bryan is donating his winnings to the charity, Loving Animals More.

Theme Song: “Summer Girls” by LFO

Top Sport: Softball

Bottom Sport: Golf

Jon Schmidt – Oft embattled with front offices and self-described as “THE Cancer of team cancers,” Jon is out for himself (Jon is actually telling me to write that he is penis cancer – the worst cancer he could think of). God help any of his teammates. When asked about his training regiment, Jon ignored the question instead responding with a deranged man’s scream, “I demand to bat leadoff! It’s leadoff or I don’t play! I’m Ichiro, Ichiro damn it!” All this would be true… if Ichiro was lacking in foot speed, fielding ability, and contact hitting.

Theme Song: “Ballin’ Boy” by No Good

Top Sport: Bowling

Bottom Sport: Golf

Micah Schultz – His desire, fueled by tragedy, makes Micah a dangerous Tin Man competitor. After the death of his younger brother, Micah a troubled 19-year-old street dancer from Los Angeles, found a way to bypass juvenile hall by enrolling in the historically black, Truth University in Atlanta, Georgia. But his efforts to get an education and woo the girl of his dreams were sidelined when he was courted by the top two campus fraternities, both of which wanted AND needed his fierce street-style dance moves to win the highly coveted national step show competition. Micah not only WON the national step show competition, but also showed the steering committee that his flare, passion, and heart made him worthy of the Tin Man competition. Unfortunately, “stomping the yard” is not one of the events in this year’s competition, but we all know how well sweet dance moves translates to eternal glory.

Theme Song: “So Fresh, So Clean” by Outkast

Top Sport: Basketball

Bottom Sport: Golf

Daniel Stevens – Daniel, carrying with him the heart of a true patriot, looks to punish the competition with the skills he attained in the ring, fighting for his country. When Daniel's old friend, Apollo Creed, was killed in a bone crushing fight with the super-fit Russian boxer, Ivan Drago, Daniel who could have saved his friend by throwing in the towel at the most crucial and suspenseful of moments, blamed himself for the death of his friend. Fueled by the Russian's arrogance, Daniel arranged a fight with the new champion, only this time in Communist Russia. After demolishing Drago in what was arguably the pinnacle of his athletic career, Daniel is ready for his next challenge: The Tin Man Pentathlon. When asked how he changed his training technique for this challenge, Daniel told us, “You know, the usual montage stuff. Running in the snow, sit-ups in the snow, stairs in the snow…” Daniel brings the heart of a champion with him to the Tin Man, and looks to be a tough competitor in all events.

Theme Song: “Chicago Bulls Theme Song”

Top Sport: Golf

Bottom Sport: Bowling

Jason Valles – Jason Valles is from the wrong side of the Burbank tracks. He can often be heard shouting, "It's hard out here for a pimp" as he tries to make his money for the rent. He has been running from the cops his whole life, so his greatest attribute is his speed. He will be tough to handle as he cuts through the lane in basketball and as he plays centerfield in baseball. He isn't that scary in the other sports... but I don't want to beat him. He might shoot me.

Theme Song: Nothing yet

Top Sport: Softball

Bottom Sport: Beach Volleyball

Scott Withycombe – This Tin Man and Raytheon employee will bring something to the table no other Tin Man could ever have dreamed of: Government Secrets. There is no doubt Scott has riffled through every top secret and classified weapons document at his disposal, in attempt to discover the key ingredient to victory (Hint: it’s Alcohol). The Withycombe-Bond comparisons don’t stop with the spy shit either. Both are also known for their love of the finer things in life, watered down martinis, and possess a swarthy English charm (or American in Scott’s case). When we asked this known lothario about the Tin Man, he had this to say, “I plan to win, take out your mother for a nice seafood dinner, and then NEVER call her again!” You’ve been warned… and so have your mothers.

Theme Song: Nothing yet.

Top Sport: Bowling

Bottom Sport: Golf

1 comment:

Greta said...

Drew, this is very silly.